Showing posts with label Anniversaries. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Anniversaries. Show all posts

Friday, June 23, 2023

Living My Best Life

I started this article as 2022 was coming to a close and I was reflecting on all that has transpired and what is presently at hand. I only now feel ready to publish it though as it has been a pretty intense 6 months of 2023 already! As I was reflecting on 2022, I had the following questions and answers and I find myself asking them again now in June of 2023.

Has this been the best year for me? No, absolutely not. Has my life changed for the better this year? Absolutely it has. This acknowledgement led me to the realization that I was and still am living my best life right now. And I'm celebrating it with immense gratitude.

As a result of my medical PTSD, I've struggled with periodic bouts of depression and intense anger with a longing for death that I've experienced since my first surgery at age 9. It didn't help in high school during one of my near-death experiences that I was overcome with the deepest sense of peace I've ever encountered. This peace has left me longing for death even more ever since. So, joy wasn't something I regularly experienced or even thought about, much less sought. To me, life has merely been a waiting period full of suffering. This isn't to say that I've lived an unhappy life. Rather, it's often a life overshadowed by fear - fears of losing my parents or other loved ones, fear of uncertainty, fear of emotional and physical pain, fear of the past repeating itself. 

2021 forced me to dedicate 2022 to focusing on my mental health, learning self-care and allowing self-growth. I started 2021 with emotional turmoil from reliving my own medical traumas while writing my own medical story and my children's book about FAP for publication. This was an intense, emotionally exhaustive and long process - much more than I had anticipated. I ended the year with my 8th abdominal surgery and new, unexplained debilitating chronic pain that would take over 6 months for a diagnosis of Abdominal Migraine. I also was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia around this time, a new diagnosis for me that I haven't even given any thought to until recently. 

I began 2022 with resuming anti-depressant medication and counseling. Shortly after, within the span of a month, two of my family members who had helped raise me, passed away. Not long after that, another family member who had helped raise me moved 2.5 hours away - she was no longer physically close to me in proximity, and it was as though I was losing her too as I was losing those that my childhood life was so firmly founded upon. I was taken back to the loss of previous family members in the early 2000's that shook me to my core. 

In 2022, I added metaphysics courses and EMDR therapy for trauma work to my CBT therapy. While life significantly improved upon appropriately managing the pain of Abdominal Migraine, the end of 2022 wasn't easy either. I started experiencing regular vomiting with the reason only just being determined in May 2023 as that of esophageal dysmotility. I lost another family member and am preparing for the loss of yet another family member. And my trauma work to process not only my past trauma but also my future fears is extremely emotionally difficult work. 

And yet, I'm at a place in my life that I can't deny is the happiest time of my life. I'm cherishing every moment with my parents. I have built a family and life with my life partner, his son and family. I've regained my quality of life after enduring a year of debilitating pain. I'm learning and practicing self-care and healing from my past trauma. I'm maintaining employment, serving in new advocacy roles for the cancer and rare disease communities and celebrated the 10th anniversary of LAP. 

In 2021, I attended my first Reiki session and was confronted by my lack of experiencing joy with a challenge to start finding joy. Through all of the hard work I'm doing for my self-care, self-healing, and self-growth - I can finally say that I do experience moments of joy now in life. And they are absolutely wonderful, and I want more of them. I want them so much so that I often am faced with moments of fear and anxiety to hold onto those moments as they're overshadowed at times by my fear of never having them again. This is becoming a lessening concern though as I am incredibly doing well maintaining self-care after a year of trial and error with how to maintain self-care practices

I'm also relieved and grateful to finally know the reason for my unexplained chronic vomiting after nearly a year of this issue only worsening and learning what my treatment options will be for it. It is something I've really been struggling with since July of 2022 that was only worsening and taking a heavier and heavier mental toll. With my esophageal dysmotility, I am faced with very limited options for treatment - a muscle relaxer or surgery - both of which my doctor doesn't like. Fortunately, I previously took Baclofen in 2014 following developing a bulging disc in my neck and didn't experience any side effects from the medication. My doctor agreed to allow me to trial it for my vomiting and so far, as long as I time my doses right and don't overeat, I'm able to keep food and drink down! I've decided to not pursue surgery for two reasons - not only because medication is working but also, my doctor confirmed I have another stricture around my small intestine. And as he reminded me, no one really wants to do surgery on me due to my long history of surgeries and excessive adhesions. I fully anticipate in the future it is likely that I will require surgery for the Whipple Procedure and/or to remove the adhesions creating my stricture. I'd much rather at this point, trade a surgery for esophageal dysmotility for one or both of these possibly needed surgeries in the future. There comes a point when a person becomes inoperable, and I don't want to hasten that time for myself any more than what's absolutely necessary. 

The mental toll I've been under this year has also been compounded by developing Post Concussion Syndrome following a fall in February 2023. This is a subject I will explore in a future post but do not presently feel comfortable publicly sharing the full details of what life has been like with PCS at this time except that PCS has been an extremely challenging and nightmarish experience that no one has been able to truly understand how it's affected me except for my partner, Mike. And that has also been a challenge as it has led me to feel isolated, misunderstood, and dismissed by the majority of people in my life because they don't see or grasp what it's like to have a brain injury that isn't healing at an expected or wanted rate. My brain is still healing with slow improvements, which is something I am also extremely grateful and relieved about and hope that when my brain fully heals that I won't have lifelong complications from the injury. 

It's a difficult process to accept when life changes with no guarantee or even signs of improvement to return to how life was previously. In spite of a multitude of changes occurring in the last 2 years with barely any time to adjust to one change before another arises, I can confidently say that presently I am living my best life and even though there are no cures for my conditions, I'm full of gratitude for where I'm at in my life and I eagerly anticipate a world of wonderful things to continue as time goes on. 

Monday, May 23, 2022

10 Year Blog Challenge



It's Life's a Polyp's 10 year anniversary! One of the ways to celebrate I thought would be to do the 10 Year Challenge but blog style!

So much has happened for LAP and myself in the last 10 years. I shared about previously in The Evolution of Myself with Chronic Illness how I've evolved in a large part thanks to LAP and the online Familial Adenomatous Polyposis community that not only urged me to start a blog but also has supported me throughout the years. 


I went from an incredibly shy individual shrouded in anonymity to identifying myself and broadcasting my own medical experiences to anyone who will listen over the last 10 years.

To begin, this was my profile and banner in my effort to remain anonymous. Carrying the symbolism from LAP into my photos, I edited using red filters.

 I couldn't bear the thought of bringing attention to myself directly or being "found out" in fear of judgment for my health experiences. I was still insecure about my rare diseases and the personal details that come along with chronic illness, specifically GI illnesses.



Staying with the red theme of the GI tract, I edited a photo I had taken and used for my then husband's business.





Then I drew myself riding a polyp in the colon to portray the symbolism of Life's a Polyp.



 



With the encouragement of a very kind lady, who made alot effort to discover my likely identity in order to reach me and help me further the reach of Life's a Polyp.

This extra encouragement and support gave me the strength to reveal myself to the world.

With this new level of confidence, I had a few photos taken and this became profile photo.

I love the symbolism of this photo - slaying the infamous FAP polyps in the colon.




For the next wave of banners, I used another photo from the session with the same symbolism.




And of course, as LAP expanded, I updated the banners to reflect new avenues such as the LAP Shop and YouTube channel. 




And today you see the newest profile and banner photos thanks to Mike!



To celebrate a decade of education, awareness, and empowerment Mike designed the special anniversary design for me which was added to Life's a Polyp Shop, we had 3 restaurant fundraisers for the NORD FAP Research Fund, raffles, and Imagine We Publishers donated 10% of sales of Life's a Polyp with Zeke and Katie to NORD FAP Research Fund as well! 

I also wanted to share some of my favorite blog posts and memories over the last 10 years.

Over the years I've had some wonderful guest writer articles including:

2021

2020
2019
2018
2017
2016
2015
2014
2013
2012

Monday, May 31, 2021

Ostomy Reversal Anniversary - 20 Years

stomach scars from ostomy reversal
It's hard to believe it, but this is my 20th anniversary of my ostomy reversal!

I had my colon removed at age 9 due to Familial Adenomatous Polyposis. I was expected to have my ostomy reversed into a Jpouch a few months later. However, this is far from what would happen.

I suffered complications from my colon removal resulting in having an ileostomy for 6 years before it would be reversed. My small intestine wrapped around itself and my surrounding organs resulting in my Jpouch dying from lack of blood supply. I required emergency surgery to remove the dead small intestine and move my stoma from my left side to my right side. I would have 5 surgeries that year including one to start a Straight Pull Thru. However, my surgeon refused to complete the Straight Pull Thru reversal. 

I experienced a very difficult time trying to adjust to my ostomy. I hated myself, my body, and those around me who I felt I could blame my ostomy on - such as my parents and medical providers. It wasn't until high school when I entered counseling that I was able to start processing the medical trauma I had experienced and learn to cope with my PTSD, depression, and anger. It would still take another decade at least before I felt truly comfortable in my own skin and began to appreciate my body.

My 2 Stoma Scars and
7 vertical Surgery Scars
Six years after my first surgery, when I was in high school I found a surgeon willing to attempt
completing the Straight Pull Thru. I had longed for an ostomy reversal every day of those 6 years. It wasn't even considered an option until I told my GI specialist that I had been having the urge to have bowel movements in spite of having an ostomy. She explained that this urge was caused by mucus in my small intestine but because I had the urge to excrete it and was able to do so, perhaps a reversal would be possible after all.

Due to my Jpouch dying requiring part of my small intestine to be removed, I didn't have enough small intestine left to create another Jpouch. I would have to create my own reservoir in my small intestine. This was done over the span of a year of performing Kegel exercises while an inflated Foley catheter was inserted into my anal canal. This exercise would create my own reservoir and strengthen my sphincter muscles that hadn't truly been used since I was age 9. I had my heart set on a reversal so I faithfully completed these daily exercises.

My GI specialist and surgeon warned me that while the reversal would be attempted, there was no way to know if it would be successful or not. I may go through surgery only to wake up with my ileostomy being permanent. I didn't care though, I had to try for the reversal.

My parents agreed to give me a thumbs up or down sign as soon as I opened my eyes from the attempted reversal surgery so that I wouldn't have to wait to know how the surgery went. I refuse to talk when I have a NG tube inserted so I wouldn't be able to ask them the outcome. Fortunately, my parents gave me the thumbs up sign and I was able to relax and drift back into my medication induced sleep. 

Due to having 6 surgeries by this point, my adhesions started to create a stricture around my small intestine resulting in surgery the following year to remove adhesions. I wasn't sure if this 7th surgery would affect my ability to maintain my reversal or not. I fear of any future surgeries as well due to this risk. 

This was my second surgery to remove adhesions and each new surgery creates more adhesions. I now have chronic pain, nausea, and increased risk of intestinal blockages due to my adhesions. I fear that I will require another surgery in the future to once again remove adhesions and place my reversal in risk. Fortunately, my symptoms caused by my adhesions are not severe enough to require another surgery at this time. However, I continue to develop polyps in my duodenum that may require the Whipple procedure at some point.

My Scars In All Their Glory

A Straight Pull Thru and the extended length of time I had an ostomy both have affected my ostomy reversal in general. I have Short Bowel Syndrome resulting in 20+ bowel movements a day. I also often experience urgency with bowel movements that is worsened by not having a rectum and the amount of time my sphincter muscles weren't regularly used while I had an ostomy. In spite of these obstacles, I manage to function well most days and I'm able to participate in the majority of activities of my choice with the aid of anti-diarrhea medications when necessary. Due to my Short Bowel Syndrome, I do have flare ups causing me to require the restroom every minute or so and these flares can last for hours at a time even with anti-diarrhea medication. 

I try not to dwell on the possibilities of the future that may or may not occur and instead focus on enjoying the present status of my health. I remain amazed that my Straight Pull Thru has managed so well for me to reach 20 years. I hope for many more years with my reversal.

Friday, August 28, 2020

Vacationing Amidst a Global Pandemic with Chronic Illness


It's been over a year since I took a real vacation. I took a week off work at the end of 2019 to work on projects for my house, but that doesn't really count. I've been in need of a real vacation, particularly with the stress of Covid19. Work has changed with the pandemic resulting in extra responsibilities and increased exposure to others. I'm always mindful to wear all of my PPE to best protect myself and thus far haven't caught it myself.

Right before Covid19 hit the United States, I started a new relationship and this August we reached our 6 month anniversary. This may not seem like a big deal to many but it is for me. After a devastating divorce in 2016, it hasn't been easy for me to find someone I feel as though I have a real chance for a lifetime commitment with.

We decided to drive to a cabin in the mountains, in the middle of a nature preserve, in Colorado to celebrate our relationship milestone. Travel is not the easiest situation for someone like me who has Short Bowel Syndrome (SBS). I don't let my health stop me from enjoying the activities I'm most interested in but that doesn't make participation in activities easy either. We would be driving for a full day with as minimal stops as possible in order to reach our cabin. This meant I would need to take the appropriate amount of Lomotil medication to slow by SBS and limit my food and fluid intake as well to help us minimize our stops for restroom breaks. However, I have to be careful with the amount of Lomotil I take as it will cause me to have intestinal blockages if I'm not careful and when traveling across the United States there are long distances without any facilities. And remember, we're in the middle of a pandemic and a toilet paper shortage. Not every business will allow non-customers to utilize their restrooms and not all businesses even admit to have a restroom. This not the best situation for anyone, especially for someone with gastrointestinal issues. We stocked up on toilet paper - I think we took about 25 rolls and an entire box of Calmoseptine ointment just to be on the safe side. I was over prepared but it's better to be safe than sorry.

The day we left for vacation was actually easier than the day we came back as my intestine was barely active resulting in a lack of appetite and thirst which helped reduce the number of stops we needed to take especially as there was about 2 hours of travel where there weren't any available stops. On our way back, I wasn't as fortunate although we managed fine. I took 5 Lomotil tablets on our way back but I was regularly hungry and thirsty. I was worried about the distance in between available stops so I frequently asked to stop - about every decent sized town that had a facility. I've also increased my water intake this year and so my body has become more accustomed to feeling thirsty and the need to urinate even if I haven't been drinking as much as I usually do anymore. Wearing a mask regularly when in public spaces to help prevent Covid19 transmission has also increased my thirst making it even harder to limit fluid intake. Any food or fluid intake and movement activates my SBS so any activity involving walking also increases my facility needs.

Me and Mike

We finally reached our small cabin in the mountains and though we had some activities in mind, we didn't have much of an itinerary planned. It was more about relaxing away from home and work for us. The cabin belonged to the parents of my boyfriend's friend - who had just moved to a house within the same nature preserve a couple weeks earlier. We visited with his friend's parents often during our trip - enjoying meals and borrowed their off terrain utility vehicle to explore the nature preserve one day. I made sure to take a roll of toilet paper while off roading as the preserve was large and there were no public facilities. During our visit, we would see deer, big horned sheep, birds, eagles, rabbit, and even a bat that almost hit both of us in the face one night.

We decided to visit the nearest large town and enjoyed visiting its' local distillery, breweries, and winery as well as shopping at local shops before dining at a well known local pizzeria for dinner. We traveled to the Royal Gorge but decided not to cross the Gorge's bridge due to a steep admission price. We were able to enjoy the views from available overlooks.

Royal Gorge, Colorado
Chipmunks in St. Elmo's
We spent another day traveling the back dirt roads (which was a 2 hour trip, again no facilities available anywhere) to Mount Princeton in the San Isabel National Forest and driving to St. Elmo's - a ghost town in the national forest. There are still buildings to view in the ghost town and a small shop that remains open to visitors. There you can purchase seed to hand feed the local chipmunks at the Chipmunk Crossing. The chipmunks were very friendly, crawling all over us and into my purse even. The views and interacting with the chipmunks made this my favorite outing for the week.

I managed well during the day with our activities in spite of my SBS, however, the nights were a different story. Due to increased fluid intake and my Lomotil wearing off in the evenings, I required a significant increase in restroom breaks during the night. There was one day when I required to not take any Lomotil in order to allow my system to return to normal and prevent an intestinal blockage from occurring due to prolonged Lomotil use.

Overall, the vacation was a success and we thoroughly enjoyed ourselves. Colorado is a beautiful state and we were able to social distance from others easily to help reduce our risk of Covid19 exposure. If you're considering traveling during the pandemic, remember to be aware of any relevant state or local mandates of the areas you'll be visiting, bring a mask with you and plenty of your necessary medical supplies. I would also suggest toilet paper (you never know!) Consider traveling to less populated areas to reduce your risk of Covid19 exposure and avoid Covid19 hotspots. Each state of the US has a tourism website with great information about their local attractions and places of interest to help plan an interesting trip. Be safe out there!



Sunday, June 1, 2014

National Cancer Survivor Day

cancer survivor life's a polyp

Happy National Cancer Day to all you survivors out there! What are you doing today to commemorate your victory? It's hard not to look back and think about the time since fist diagnosis and treatment. It may have only been a short time for you or perhaps, like myself, it seems like a lifetime ago.
 I tend to forget about what I've been through, what I've survived, until reality provides me a sharp reminder. Reminders can be beneficial though. We can be reminded of where we've come from and where we're going, what we need to do to continue surviving and enduring. How we can help others through their battles. What we're made of, the strength and fight that's within us and coursing through us. What motivates us and what ultimately can heal our wounds.
Regardless of how long it's been since sometimes we lose sight of it all. Often times we either can't escape the past or we try to outrun it. Stay in the present, remember the past and where you've come from but don't live there. Be proud of your endurance but still take preventative measures for your continued health, take stock of the emotional and psychological trials you've gone through as well so that you may begin to heal.

And every so often, when you need it most, make sure that you do the following, because you deserve it.


Sunday, February 16, 2014

20th Anniversary with FAP

fap life's a polyp

I'm not very good about remembering health milestones. I don't usually think about how many years since my first surgery or my last and when I do it's not typically anytime around the anniversary. But this year I did remember that it's been 20 years since I've started with my GI doctor. 20 years since diagnosis of FAP, 20 years I've been listened to and 20 years I've battled what FAP is and can become. 20 years.

I had such a difficult time getting any PCP to listen to me and my parents to obtain the necessary referral to see a GI specialist. I'm not sure how after such a fight for the referral I finally obtained one for the best pediatric GI specialists in the state and who is well respected outside of the state. But I did and I'm so grateful. I haven't always liked my doctor. As I mentioned in my last post, there were several years that I hated and blamed her. As I started my own psychological healing, I've realized how terrified I am of losing her as my doctor. I greatly admire and respect her. She has always stood by me and fought for me, whether with other doctors, hospitals, insurance, schools and jobs. She is my greatest advocate. 20 years I've been so fortunate.



I've seen a lot in the last 20 years with diagnosed FAP. I've had seven surgeries, more than enough near death experiences, endured PTSD, cycled in and out of severe depression, given the prognosis of stomach cancer by age 30 (I have two more years to make it past that prognosis!), completed school and maintained full time employment, got married and looking at surrogacy. I have good and bad days like everyone else but I'm hopeful that the worst days are behind me. 20 years it's taken to get to the place I'm at now.

Who knows what the next 20 years will hold. There's always guaranteed sadness and happiness. I do know that I won't have my doctor for another 20 years, it's very likely in that time period to develop cancer again, I hopefully will have adult children by then., I am likely to have lost and gained more family and friends. These are all realities I keep tucked away, taking it one step at a time.

That's how the last 20 years have gone, one step at a time. Although at times it felt like crawling steps and at times giant leaps. I look forward to seeing the future and what's in store but for now, I'm going to savor where I am at now and honor what has transpired to get me here. Our trials and our joys deserve to be honored, they help shape us and direct us in life.

20 years, I've made it. And here's to another 20 years.

Friday, June 29, 2012

I'll Cry if I Want To

life's a polyp

It's my party and I'll cry if I want to ... remember that song? I'm sort of in this mood as I look forward to my birthday during the upcoming month. I'll be almost 30.
No, that's not what has me in a funk.

I wasn't supposed to live past age 9 or 10. When I was 17 I told my mother goodbye as I readied myself for approaching death and my doctor hoped to see me walk into her office the following week. I whole heartedly believed I would die before my 22nd birthday.

So each year on my birthday I have a "woah!" moment and I'm reminded that I made it to another year.
This can be a very strong emotion for individuals as they come to the realization that they have cheated death and can serve as a strong motivation and inspiration for improved health, life and dreams. For others it can become a thrill ride, a game, an adrenaline rush for finding the next adventure to beat the odds.

Another reason is that my best friend and I share the same birthday, who is also well known to the ostomy and bowel disorders circles. However, due to his health struggles the battle became too unbearable and he took his own life to end the pain. I understood his decision the moment I learned of the news, as much as it pained me to have lost him.

The loss of friends and even self is far too common in these circles and is a hard reality to accept. Nevertheless, it is a reality that we each must make peace with or we'll lose ourselves mentally and emotionally first.
So make the acknowledgement, share the emotion, and live your life to the fullest. Cliche, right? Perhaps, but do it anyway. Start checking things off your bucket list, take care of yourself physically and emotionally, share with others and learn from them, care for the well being of others and contribute to humanity, locally or globally. At times the small picture is not pretty, remember to look at the whole picture and that a moment in time, only lasts a moment.