The finality of spoken words are the hardest to push past our lips, to break our silence. Once spoken, the glass is shattered leaving us only with the reality that we are now forced to accept. In our silence we may delay the inevitable until our psyche is more prepared.
In Alone Together and Supportive Lengths, I spoke about a heart wrenching struggle that I've been slowly processing and gradually accepting.
I finally have reached a level of acceptance to allow myself to publicly disclose that my husband and I have come to the decision not to attempt to have any children.
This has been an excruciating and devastating decision for me. Through this process I learned that the best choice is not always the choice you want. Those close to me know that I've dreamt about Ending the Family Cycle through IVF with a surrogate and planned for this for over 15 years. I never believed anything different would happen. I maintained an unrealistic optimistic hope and pure belief that I would have a child in this manner and it would happen. There were no ifs, ands, or buts about it...it was happening. I planned out every detail I possibly could throughout the years. I planned names, nursery themes, educational opportunities, birthday themes, godparents and legal guardians if needed, parenting styles, etc. I've had my heart set on a baby and the joys and struggles of raising a child. And now, I must say goodbye to my baby. My baby, whom I will never get to see on an ultrasound screen, hear a heartbeat, feel kicking my surrogate, or hold in my arms because this baby will never have existed within the womb or in the world. I must say goodbye to it all, to my dreams, my hopes, my plans. The baby items I've slowly collected and saved for the big day when I would welcome home my own baby, I must pass these items on to a living baby, not a dream world baby. I know all the reasons to have a child and the joys that come with a child. I absolutely cherish the times with the children in my life and the memories of children I taught and cared for throughout my educational career.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. - Joseph Campbell
In spite of all the reasons to attempt to have a child, there are a lot of reasons not to as well. After extensive contemplation and discussion, I find the reasons not to outweighing the reasons to in our situation.
I clung to the scent of the cedar, sage, and sweet grass for the remainder of the day. With each breath, I felt wrapped in a blanket of comfort from the scents. We treated ourselves to dinner and spent a quiet evening together as my mind reeled around the events of the day. It was coming to a close. I was filled with a hushed anxiety, it will soon be all over and my mind will rest in the finality. This is my last step, to disclose. To shed the façade of maintaining the intent for a child. To bear witness to my soul and our future.
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