Showing posts with label PTSD. Show all posts
Showing posts with label PTSD. Show all posts

Sunday, December 9, 2012

Mind Tricks

mind tricks life's a polyp

The mind is very powerful and there is a lot to the mind that we don't know and may never understand.

When going through any traumatic event and experience an individual tends to dissociate from the situation in order to escape and cope with the trauma. After repeated trauma, this becomes increasingly easier to do. It's a defense mechanism and even necessary to protect the psyche from further trauma. This not only distorts memories of that time but I think it affects future memory as well, not because of a physical reason or issue but out of learned tendency our minds memory ability is altered.

I'm very detail oriented and because of it I remember a lot of details and can do so for years, but not for all things. Sometimes when I look back on my life, the past feels very surreal and is merely a haze of memories that resemble looking through someone else's mind rather than my own. I have a handful of memories of life prior to my first surgery and that is all, I can only remember about 5 friends from my childhood and barely remember any events. I don't really remember events even with my family, I just know that they were there and I have a strong connection with them from times spent together, I just don't remember what those times were really. As my cognitive development progressed from child to young adult, my memory ability greatly improved but it tapers off again once a few years have passed after an event, especially the chronogical order of events. I don't think this is normal for everyone and I don't think it's a result of age. I noticed these difficulties even during my high school and college years.

 Not only does the mind allow for memories to become hazy and distorted as a matter of protection, it also allows for memories to become too realistic reminding us the past did occur. It doesn't take very much for me to recall past pains and physically feel future pain. The feeling of needles, tubes, knives, stitches, staples and all the things that accompany these instruments of healing and torture are quickly remembered and felt even years later. I physically feel the IV in my hands, the central line in my chest, the NG tube in my nose, my abdomen being pulled as muscles are used and the stitches and staples hold my body together against the force. Even now, thinking of the words to type is issuing a call to the past and those demons are clawing at the door to flood my body and mind with those memories and that pain. Before any medical procedure, test or even shot, I have to mentally prepare myself for it and the pain that is to be inflicted - that pain that is all too familiar, at times changing, but never forgotten.

The mind can trick us into false senses of security or can rip us from our safety and plunge us back into tortured memories of the past and the mind brings along our physical body for the ride. That seems to be part of the game though, it's a constant balancing act we must play to maintain sanity during an insane trauma.

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Haunted

life's a polyp

There are some physical sensations and memories that will never be erased until the mind fails in it's own ability to be mindful of the past and the body begins to become numb to itself.

Such haunting memories and sensations make forgetting the pain we've suffered impossible and refresh our terrors of the past, and for too many of us - the PTSD that battles for constant hold over our psyches.

In high school when I started counseling for the 1st time, I was diagnosed with PTSD, for years I had been experiencing all the classic symptoms and continued for years after beginning counseling.
Besides the obvious experiences that trigger such symptoms, I recall random times and memories that to this day haunt me. One night of the night terrors left me mentally and emotionally fragile, my parents recognizing the pain inflicted allowed me the privilege to remain at home that next day from school that I could recover myself.  I recall that night so vividly that I am still terrified I'll experience such a vivid night terror again. My parents have always been and continue to be understanding of my symptoms, fears, and anxiety and have been a strong support to soothe me back to safety. 

There are still times that I have the physical sensation that I still have one of my 2 stoma sites.

Side Note: My first ostomy placement on my left side caused my intestine to twist and make a knot over my other organs that resulted in my first near death experiences. Once my surgeon and the children's hospital finally believed me that I was not just being a "whiny child" and something was seriously wrong, that site was taken down and moved to my right side.

The sensations are so strong that I am compelled to touch my stoma sites to ensure that I do not indeed, still have an existing stoma. It is one of the oddest physical feelings and I can't even describe it other than what it feels like to have a stoma. Only those with a stoma can understand the sensation.
Other times I wake up randomly with the sensation of still having an ostomy and the innate behavior of checking to see when I will need to empty the pouch, positioning my body so that I'm not lying on the pouch but also not lying too far from the bed causing a strain on the pouch as it would fall from my body pulling against the seal made, thoughtlessly mimicking the once natural behaviors of emptying the pouch, the burning sensation of raw skin around the stoma, and instinctively jumping out of bed to "empty" the pouch before it becomes so full and leaks.

I don't know if one ever truly stops having PTSD or if symptoms simply become dormant after a better sense of resolution is achieved through counseling. I rarely have PTSD symptoms anymore, but I also am not faced with health crises as frequently as in the past. During medical tests, even as simple as a CT Scan with Contrast, I notice symptoms starting to creep in on me again.

Instead I am more frequently haunted by these physical sensations and memories that lurk behind the shadows of time, reminding me that although now safe, times can change at any moment - never to let me forget.