Monday, July 8, 2019
My birthday is a bit of an emotional roller coaster at times for me and has become increasingly difficult for me to enjoy as the years pass by. I shared earlier this year about how my birthday and New Year's start a period of mourning as my fears about the future are intensified. Over time, birthdays have changed from a triumph of survival to a period of mourning.
Often individuals enjoy taking off from work on their birthdays as a way to celebrate. I prefer to work on my birthday so that I can be surrounded by coworkers and celebrate with them versus being home alone on my birthday. This got me thinking and I realized that even as a child, I felt that my birthday wasn't anything special - it was insignificant - which led me to feel that I too was insignificant. I didn't deserve anything significant to occur on my birthday and it was significant when someone remembered to wish me a happy birthday. As the mourning of my birthday years worsens with time, I particularly do not want to be home alone allowing myself to wallow in my mourning.
Since I entered a brief period of depression surrounding my birthday last year, I expected the same to occur this year. I was pleasantly surprised with myself when this didn't occur - at least to the depth of last year's birthday. I struggled in the morning with feelings of sadness and even welled up with tears at times but I was able to fight off the tears and turn the day around by the afternoon. I pushed away my fears about the uncertainty of the future and instead I enjoyed my the birthday lunch my coworkers provided me and appreciated all the birthday wishes from loved ones and even strangers online. I thought I would be in an emotionally fragile state once I got home and asked a friend to spend some time with me. But once again, I surprised myself and was comfortable in my alone time.
Although the sadness I tend to experience around my birthday lessened significantly, I also didn't experience a surge of triumphant feelings about survival either. And that's okay. I was content with a lessening in sadness allowing me to more greatly enjoy sharing my birthday with my loved ones.
Whatever holidays serve has painful reminders to you, may the next be easier. Sometimes our fears and mourning never fully dissipate but they can lessen and we can still enjoy the good times, particularly with others. It can help to utilize coping tools to reframe our negative thoughts to allow us a reprieve.
Here's to an even better birthday next year.
This is my life with Familial Adenomatous Polyposis and Short Bowel Syndrome. I was diagnosed with FAP as a child, underwent total colectomy at age 9. After complications and 6 more surgeries. I had an ileostomy for 6 years and am currently living with a straight pull-thru.