Saturday, January 2, 2016

Anxiously Awaiting

anxiety  life's a polyp

The last year has been a monsoon of emotions and personal events that included a long bout of depression from increased health issues, the death of a beloved great uncle, and the emotional loss of individuals I once deeply cherished. With the ups and downs of the last year, I embarked upon a path of self discovery and self transformation. I am finding peace within myself and loving every moment of it. However, patience is by far not my strong suit.

There is a great number of things I want to accomplish this new year yet I'm constrained by time. Time inhibits my ability to complete my actions, my goals as quickly as I'd prefer. I must wait for the right time or for the process to be completed for each personal goal. I'm left anxiously awaiting the passage of time as I fervently work toward creating the life I want.

There are times when my eagerness surmounts in an exhausting, terrifying ball of anxiety. It catches in my throat, words can barely be uttered. Tears well up in my eyes, desperate to escape. My chest tightens, constricting upon itself as my mind races trying to calm itself. I repeat my self soothing mantras, frantically reminding myself that it is only anxiety...I'm not having a heart attack. Although it feels like it.

It's easy for us to get ahead of ourselves when we are so intent, so earnest for the arrival of what we want. It doesn't matter what it is, we tend to want what we want when we want it. It's hard not to jump ahead and just have what we want. We think if only we could fast forward time! The world doesn't work this way though. We need to wait for others, we need to allow time for the process, or we need to move forward in a systematic way - achieving one step at a time. But really what we need is to simply learn patience and enjoy the journey. The journey is what fulfills us after all. The ability to look back and realize I did this, I accomplished this, this was me!

Learning patience isn't easy. As a highly impatient person, I feel as though my strides in learning patience are minuscule even though I notice a difference in how far I've come in the process.

When the anxiety of impatience has a stronghold upon me, I have to remember a lot.
  • I remember it's merely anxiety. If I want to calm myself, this is the vital first step. Until I understand it's just anxiety, my mind will keep racing and heaving more anxiety upon me. Self talk and breathing are essential in calming my anxiety provoked fears.
  • I remember what I'm doing to achieve my goals and what I still need to do. I map it out. Where I've been, where I'm going.
  • I remember my plans for reaching the next steps in my plans. Without steps lined out, I'm simply waiting without direction.
  • I remember I'm doing everything I possibly can. Some things are out of my control but I'm doing what is within my control. I'm not passively sitting and waiting. I'm taking action.
  • I remember it isn't always the right timing. I won't be able to obtain solutions until I can gain more answers. Answers that are only available when the timing is ripe.
The next time the anxiety of waiting hits, remember where you are, where you've been, and where you're going. This helps to keep the small details in perspective to the larger picture at hand. Although the journey of patience can be infuriatingly frustrating and difficult at times, in the end it is far worth allowing the process to take its course. We gain great insight, wisdom, and skills when we push the anxiety aside and continue on our path.


  1. Beautiful written!! It Could have been my own story... FAP really sucks as hell.....

    I am waiting for my whipple surgery, which is at january 26..

    Stay strong, we can fight this illness!!! All together we can do this... And if it isn't for now then it certainly it will be for the future!!!!!

    1. Thank you Petra! I wish you all the luck on your whipple. My mother had one several years ago...she's still going strong as I believe you will as well. Love the fight you have. We have to keep that fight!