Saturday, January 2, 2016
The last year has been a monsoon of emotions and personal events that included a long bout of depression from increased health issues, the death of a beloved great uncle, and the emotional loss of individuals I once deeply cherished. With the ups and downs of the last year, I embarked upon a path of self discovery and self transformation. I am finding peace within myself and loving every moment of it. However, patience is by far not my strong suit.
There is a great number of things I want to accomplish this new year yet I'm constrained by time. Time inhibits my ability to complete my actions, my goals as quickly as I'd prefer. I must wait for the right time or for the process to be completed for each personal goal. I'm left anxiously awaiting the passage of time as I fervently work toward creating the life I want.
There are times when my eagerness surmounts in an exhausting, terrifying ball of anxiety. It catches in my throat, words can barely be uttered. Tears well up in my eyes, desperate to escape. My chest tightens, constricting upon itself as my mind races trying to calm itself. I repeat my self soothing mantras, frantically reminding myself that it is only anxiety...I'm not having a heart attack. Although it feels like it.
The next time the anxiety of waiting hits, remember where you are, where you've been, and where you're going. This helps to keep the small details in perspective to the larger picture at hand. Although the journey of patience can be infuriatingly frustrating and difficult at times, in the end it is far worth allowing the process to take its course. We gain great insight, wisdom, and skills when we push the anxiety aside and continue on our path.
This is my life with Familial Adenomatous Polyposis and Short Bowel Syndrome. I was diagnosed with FAP as a child, underwent total colectomy at age 9. I experienced life threatening complications resulting in 4 more surgeries that year and developing medical PTSD. I had an ileostomy for 6 years before having it reversed into a straight pull-thru that also resulted in life threatening complications requiring an additional surgery the following year. In 2021, I required my 8th surgery to remove my gall bladder due to gall stones and FAP. This surgery exacerbated my, at the time undiagnosed, Abdominal Migraine which is now being treated.